I had
often wondered on my journey where God would take me. As a young lady I
had dreamed of falling in love, getting married and having a
family...like any female would. But as life would have it, things didn't
go according to my plan, of course. Things went a whole different
direction. A direction that maybe would be full of surprises. A lot of
good and then some bad. Either way it would be a journey directed by God.
Once my son Tim was born, I had prayed and dreamed of a good Christian
man to marry and a good home to purchase, a good paying job and much
more blessings. I still had this hope and dream after my son was
diagnosed with Duchenne muscular dystrophy. In the coming years, as I
became more n' more my son's advocator and caregiver as I watched his
health deteriorate I also watched my dreams die. The amount of
sacrifices I had to make to lovingly care for Tim. A good job, a nice
house, a "fancy" car, bunch of good friends. As life would take me a
different direction that would Tim and I to meet and befriend the most
rewarding friendships, and although the sacrifices I would make for Tim,
somehow I knew God had something good in mind for us.
And
then Timothy died...only a month short of his 25th birthday and suddenly
my world changed. Suddenly, due to my small income, I realized in a
short time I would become homeless and even "jobless". My son's father
had been a total a** which is being modest and some family was not any
better or supportive much less a comfort. As human, I was scared as
sh**. But as a Christian, I knew I had to keep my faith in God, I had to
keep trusting Him even when many didn't look at me to qualify for work
or to rent from them.
For
some unknown reason, Timothy loved it when I would rub his head. To
watch the expression on his face made me smile...& laugh. Before he
was pronounced dead, I gave him one more head rub. I know somehow
inside he was smiling down on me. Even while he was dying my arms, I
made sure through my tears, that he got one more major head rub. I had
to let him know it was ok to go in peace with God. That all his suffering was now over, and when he awakes, he will have a whole new body.
I laid there in the bed with him as he gave his last breath in my arms,
as the day he was born. My son laid lifeless in my arms. I had
played his Lincoln Park and Evanescence before his death...hoping that
he heard that as well as my voice.
As I walked by my memorial
table, photos of Tim, my mother and grandfather, as the petals of fresh
flowers fall, I stop to rub the lid of Tim's urn. Again, out of habit I
was rubbing his head, and I know he knows I will continue to this in
his memory.
It's now been a month, and I still feel numb, sick,
confused and depressed. For the first time in 25 years, I am alone. I
keep praying for God's guidance, whatever it may be, I had to trust Him.
First I had to find a way to survive, then get guidance on my health,
then to find a shelter and a job. I don't know how long it will
happen,but my health was failing.
I had been in the habit of
taking care of Timothy first, I now needed to be my own caregiver- first
HOW to do this. It has been frightening.
...Journal....
