The Pet scan went well and for right now the only issue was that the 5 lesions in my lungs were to small for the Pet scan to see. He is ordering another Pet/Cat scan in 2-3 months. I did end up in the ER for most of the afternoon, but that too was a waste of time. We won't even go there.
So I don't know why my brain is acting weird. So I decide to start investigating myself after talking to a friend who s a ARNP. After 3 days not taking 2 of my diabetes meds, I have discovered what may be causing the confusion and dizziness. It is NOT my diabetes or blood pressure because it is always within normal range when checking at time of episodes. But I have discovered that it is for sure one of my diabetes meds. However, I still need to consult with my physicians.
Now as far as the blacking out, especially driving that I still need to figure out...it is for sure not Syncope. Because there was that part of my brain that was aware something was going on and I do remember looking at a car and commenting how it looked like a car of someone I knew but my brain, for some reason, could not use the judgement and connect that car was Katia's and that they were yelling my name. It could not use the judgement to stop and get out. This has never happened to me before, not this severe...not like this bad. For about 3-5 miles, I drove that car while blacked out. Yes I was all over the road and up the curb and went through some lights. (had witnesses that saw this) but I can thank my Heavenly Father for His guardian angels that NO one was hurt, killed or no damages to any properties/cars. Or as Katia would say that my Angel took the steering wheel and protected me and everyone around me. I am still not going to take the chance and get behind the wheel. I can't live with myself if someone was seriously injured or killed.
Tim's RUB YOUR HEAD Campaign website is done!! With the one exception of a banner for a fundraising planned. And I need to also fix the spelling too. The program I used to create the website does NOT have spell check. Dumb, right? lol So you heard it here and first to know...www.rubyourheadcampaign.com
So I just read an email from my sister that she sent in July. had not read it for a reason but I just found it and scanned thru it and knew it was definitely a mistake to read. It has NOTHING to do with denial. It has to do with tired of listening to lies. It has to do that I was tired of the emotional/verbal abuse. Trust me if you read it, you would understand what I mean. I could not believe what she was saying. Exactly what many has said how we need to get over the grief and move on, & that i knew Tim was dying and I should had been prepared for this...blah blah blah....well here is a person who really really really doesn't get it. No matter how prepared you mentally for someone death, you could never never never overcome grief and loss of a child.
The email was plainly crazy and full of BS and lies. She acted like Timothy never told me stuff. Tim and I always talked and I always made sure he knew I was there for him if he wanted to talk and for her to share this BS of what Timothy said I don't think so. And for her to believe this one nurse who was there that I have caught so many times lying!!!!! If there is anything I hate is a compulsive liar. And there are 3 so far I know now that I purely DO NOT TRUST. She really doesn't get it. I don't know what it is going to take for her to understand grief- a parents grief. Its just not the same when it happens. You think you are prepared for it, only to actually, literally feel that heart break, that pain, that pure parent sadness. its easy for her to say cuz it is not her child!! just wait till it sadly happens to her before she realizes what the pain a parent actually feels, not just mentally, emotionally but literally the pain in the chest of a heart break.
The loss of a child is NOTHING like the loss of a parent, a sibling, a grandparent, an uncle or aunt...NOTHING. Like I said, no matter how prepared you and no matter for how long, you are never prepared for the heartbreak pain of the loss of a child, no matter how old or young they are. I never thought I could really feel that pain, mentally and physically. It often can affect you spiritually.
What she also doesn't get is that my son should had family surrounding him as he was dying. He did not. All i heard was excuses excuses blah blah blah. You know what until this day I hear excuses. Who cares about your damn business when your loveone is dying. He needs YOU to be there right now. Because they chose work over Timothy, He sadly died in my arms alone. His body could not wait for their arrival. That does NOT have a time clock. His body could not understand, or feel, know what their excuses, his body was giving up, it does not have a time clock. They did not understand or get this. It made me sick. They don't get why I suddenly left. They are not a parent of a lost child. They do not understand the grief the loss of a child.
Again, no matter how long you mentally prepared for the death of a child, it does NOT take the heart break pain, the sorrow, the loss...I don't know how else to explain it...you have to personally experience it to understand it. And only parents who have lost a child could get it- understand it. You can be a parent, but until you literally loose a child, you truly will never get it.
Don't judge me if you have NOT been in my shoes.
I can go on about the letter and what she said...but I won't. I won't even respond because I don't respond to stupidity, lies and pure craziness. Only God and I know the truth. Only God can judge me, my heart and my actions; just as He will for her or anyone else. But I will now close this topic. My heart belongs to God, so does my grief, my heartbreak and only He can help me through this. I don't need criticism and emotional abuse. I don't need this right now or ever. IF certain members of the family choose to misunderstand what I say and choose not to asked me what I meant or communicate with me and choose to run to her and hear her lies, than they deal with it. IF you want to know something about me- talk to me. NOT to her. IF you want the truth of what is going on with me, then talk to me, not to her. But if you run to her and hear her bs, then that is on you. Don't judge me if you choose not to talk to me.
I don't want that kind of drama in my life. I am dealing with my "homeless", my health, my job search, my Adult education, and my emotional state/grief and thankfully I have a wonderful church family who is helping me in so many different ways and most important they are praying with me.
Pray for me...as I will for you! Good night.
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