A year ago, my 24-25 year old son died. I have been grieving. I had been in shock. Now the grief has overwhelmed me to the point of depression & more anxiety. I have been so heart broken- in emotional pain. I have felt that family and friends have abandoned me. I have been doing everything to REMEMBER TIMOTHY. Including celebrating his birthday and painting a memorial wall. I have been hurting.
It was the Elders of the church who has finally contacted me...not the Pastors. One who held me when I wept at one vespers, when everyone else turned their heads and walked away. Some telling me to move on. I have done all I can to hold back to slap them. They really don't get it. Even my sister who now critizes me for bringing it up a lot.
I WILL NOT BE SILENCED! I don't care who you are or where you are from. I am a PARENT- a CAREGIVER, an ADVOCATE, a MOTHER who just lost my son. You DON'T - NEVER tell a mother to move on.
And as a Pastor who is suppose to be trained is now trying to SILENCE ME. I guess these folks have never lost a child. They really don't know how much it changes you. It really is a heart broken experience. it is REAL.
MY VOICE FOR TIMOTHY WILL NOT BE SILENCED by anyone.
So recently I did a blog on how Pastors seem to walk away from those grieving. My blog. My own opinon. My personal experience. Freedom of speech. But a fact. I even went as far as writing to the Conference asking them if this was their practice to walk away from people who need spiritual guidance during grief. No response...yet. But the reason I did so is because suddenly that I discovered I can't write a post on my church's FB page without approval and also discovered my link to that blog was gone. First thing that went to my head was, "what are they hiding?" that they would suddenly delete that blog, and put me on an "approval" without even discussing with me at all.
I could had made a big thing about it and maybe I should had but then I realized, again my voice - my grief about my son was silenced. I felt that between the pastor and perhaps the church has shunned me. I felt suddenly like I was not worthy enough to express my self. And I didn't even mention names in my blog. I express more so of a general thing. I noticed it in several churches that Pastors were doing this. But now this? Am I being told to shut up and walk away. Is what I am feeling not worthy enough for prayer, for spiritual guidance, for a hug, to just sit with - which I did find that some of the elders and members were doing but none of the Pastors. They just ignor and walk away. Why?
So I called a friend and asked her to post something to see if her post required an approval by the administrators or not. I was not only curious but sort of like investigating to why the Pastor would do this to me without even discussing with me if there was an issue. .
I am angried...yes. But this is where I express my anger. I write about it. I talk about it. You can choose to listen or you can choose to do what everyone else does, walk away. If you don't like it, I'm sorry. But don't you dare punish me for expressing my freaking feelings. Hence why I am seriously thinking of stop going to this church. This angered me. It tells me that YOU don't care what I think, what I feel, what I'm struggling with, My grief. My pain. It just told me that you prefer to stab me then to discuss the issue at hand.
I WILL NOT! NOT! NOT! BE SILENCED about Timothy or my grief. Get over it- its who I am NOW. When/if (God forbid) your child dies, maybe you will understand what I am going through, the pain, the heartbreak.
...until then, DO NOT punish me for my grief!!!
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