That is just it...I am not allowing it to affect my relationship with God (at least I didn't think it was). I also know how much the enemy works the hardest too. I also know that God more often puts us through trials and tribulations to help build our characters to be like Him. Molding our souls to more like Him. I do know and believe in this whole heatedly.
Grace & I get it. She may not totally understand my grief, but she gets my spiritual journey. So does Yamid and Jo Ellen. Just wish some others would. I don't share my spiritual or my grief journey as a "self-pity" thing, but what God has miraculously done for my life, not just before Tim's passing but especially since Tim's passing. I know some people are choosing to see the bad or the worse in me. Ok...so be it. That is their loss. Maybe they will miss out in some blessings. I know I need to leave it in God's hands and trust Him. After all- ONLY He knows what the future holds.
Lately, I have been reading my Bible more...especially my new Bible. And the more I read it, my brain that once would not open to read the letter from God, clearly now can see God's message for all the Christians through out the world. My regret is that I was to stubborn to talk to God then to have a relationship with Him sooner that if I could have had open eyes, heart & mind to hear God talking me that I could had clearly shared more of this with Timothy. But once I started to bear that light from a very dark room, I did begin to present God's love and forgiveness to him. And Tim began to understand a little clearer that it was sin that was causing him to suffer, NOT God. But it was all in God's plan...& timing.
REMEMBERING TIMOTHY
during his last days on earth, but with God!
Grace is easy to talk to as it is to her boys and husband, Craig. And although there times things about her irritated me about her, I am more than sure there were plenty of things about me that also irritated her about me. The funny thing is that, God still opened doors for us-both of us to do things for God, especially her mission trip to Guatemala. And now I can also totally understand what she is saying, & why. Encouraging me not to give up and not to let Satan take over when I do get overly discourage over things that may be happening at the church. And although small things, but enough to bug me.
I have had this back and forth thing of leaving the church. No, I didn't say leaving God, leaving the church. Ok... I know Paul talks about in a number of his books in the New Testament how the body of the Christ is like unto the church. But even I know that God is not totally happy with the church either, and I know its just not my church, but the church in whole. Yes, we all have our flaws, we all make mistakes, we all are NOT perfect as much as we want to be in Christ. I know it may be my grief, my depression why I feel the back n' forth thing. It most likely is the enemy. But when way to many things start to happen against you by certain members, there comes to the point of the "last string." (hope that makes sense!)
Like my (grief) therapist has been trying to teach me about my feelings and how to be careful to not let your feelings (anger, hurt, hate, etc..etc..) take control, it does have a way to come around like in circles. To me...lol...judgment day is coming to how we all will have to answer to God. I, for one, know the way we treat each other is the way we treat God. So we treat each other in disrespect, resentment, etc...etc...we treat God in the same way. Hence, why my feelings keeps going in circles.
I, for one, know I am far being perfect and that I have many flaws in my life hence why God is working on my life. I am thankful that I am redeemed by Him. That all my imperfections, flaws and sins are nailed to the cross and God is working on restoring me, transforming my mind to be like Him. And through all these difficulties, trials and tribulations, God is putting a spark in me that I may be a light- a light to spread His amazing grace, His powerful love, & His pure forgiveness. Not only do I know He is doing this for me, I know He is also doing it for Grace, Yamid, Jo Ellen and the many more who I have to just get over with, thank God for a new gifted day and what He is about ready to do for all of us.
I prayed for the situation to change, but God used the situation to change me. Let us work with a God so that the situation can change us. Work with God to define us to be what God wants us to be. God puts us in situations to lead us to where we need to be. God is preparing me for something great.
I remember the day I was to be re-baptized earlier this year, Pastor Angelo called to ask if I wanted to postpone it due the pain my left shoulder/arm. I stood firm and said. "NO!!" I will NOT let the enemy win. This is about my new confirm relationship with GOD - not with the enemy. That re-baptism was a representative of my rebirth, reborn, my transformation (and yes I still had a lot of growth to do).
So I do thank those who at the church who still encourages me through my spiritual journey and prays for me (even if they may not all understand my grief journey)...to Grace ... a true blessed friend and to Yamid- the encourager who stands with her sword to not let Satan take over; and to Jo-Ellen who really gets it not just my grief but my spiritual journey. And the few, including Pastor Angelo who leaves a spiritual message to remind me Who is in control!
And to the rest or some of you....lol....well ...um....
(as Grace would (constantly) remind me to "humble yourself, Dee")
all is forgiven, but don't do it again! ;)
" Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and He shall lift you up."
James 4:10
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