Journal -Walk by faith

Its just been a bad week for me. 

Ok..I accomplished passing out Flyers on JUDY's HOUSE and even the 5k post cards. I met a lot of interesting people. Still have a few more to do this week.  That probably was the good part of the week. 

But it was a bad week for me.  Depression definitely is setting in.  First, my medical/psychiatric evaluation came in and it was not good.  I have been told by them and Vocational Rehab that I am not able to return to work full time and maybe part-time.   This was devastating news to me. I just can't sit back and do nothing.  I need to accomplish something in my life.  I need to belong.  

Suddenly, I lost the value of my life.  I had spent 14 years caring my son. I had given up my work and many other things and even put my life /health on the back burner.  Timothy had to come first, that was for sure.  I may have a lot of regrets and one is not spending much more time with Tim, but I don't regret  making sacrifices for Timothy.  I put my life on hold because someone very important to me needed 100% of my attention.  But now he has passed, I have become homeless and I need to do something with my life. I need to update my skills and look for a new career.

So when I was told I may not be able to return to work, it just crushed me. I was still waiting for the results of my appeal for financial aid so I thought there was hope in going back to college and accomplishing something there.  I was wrong. Even that got denied.  Again crushed.  

What am I suppose to do? I just can't sit here and turn into mold. I need to move on. I need to do something with my life.  How can I do this if I can't go back to work or even get my education for this.

I am currently feeling really confused. I have for sure failed this test that God has placed in front of me. I am currently feeling lost.  I do NOT like how this feels. 

All day I was in a bad mood. A grouchy mood. I had taken  Judy to the 5k and we did a 3- 1 mile walk. It was pretty good. We even talked about camping.  The prayer chapel impressed me the most.  I returned to it later to beg God to please save me, to please help me with these difficulties. I really felt the anger inside me raging over people and yes even God.  

My younger sister had called and we talked while she was on her walk.  But then at lunch the anger returned.  I don't understand why people are treating me like a bad person. Like I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm doing is wrong? 

What am I doing wrong? I don't understand...what am I doing wrong?  

God is asking me to close my eyes and to walk by faith.