I guess I am just struggling with the grief and depression is just so overwhelming right now. at times I feel like I can't breathe.
Tim needs to be remembered by and when people don't care to show up it tells me they never cared for him. This is about Timothy - not about me and if people keep using me as an excuse then they really don't get why I was there to advocate for him. No one else would give up their careers to care for him, so I had to as his mother. it was my job.
His dad just skipped out of town because Timothy was no longer "perfect" in his world and he continues to lie to his family and they are fools to keep believing him and of course I"m the bad guy. I am NOT. I just can't wait till judgment day!
On March 1, I grieved alone. No one called. No one texted. No one emailed. I held Timothy in my arms and wept. I wept so much. I held him in my arms like the day he died and the day he was born. But at both times, no one was there. No family. Only church family soon before. It tells you where the priorities are. To some, their egos are so much up their ass they just didn't get his suffering because he didn't meet up to their perfection. So instead of being there during his last hours they all ran like cowards. Others continued to make excuses and allowing their work be the priority instead of being with someone whose dying.
HE SHOULD HAD FAMILY AROUND HIM during his last hours. But where was everyone? And why didn't anyone answer any of the calls the hours before, the night before. No one answered their phones. And the worse part when people did answer they didn't believe me what I was telling them and they had the nerve behind my back to call the hospital and verify it and they took so long showing up by the time he already had passed. Do you know how sad that was??? People who called themselves family were not there for him.
His funeral didn't turn out the way it was suppose to either but it happened and I thank those who did come and show support at that time.
But no one sent flowers (with the exception of 1 friend). No one brought food. No phone calls. no emails. no text. I had to find help to go through his medical stuff I was left alone to grieve. A year later, again I was left alone to grieve.
Now his birthday is coming up and several weeks ago i sent a letter out to friend and family for Tim's celebration and only one friend responded. Last year, only I was around for his birthday. No one called. no one emailed. no one text. I celebrated his birthday alone. And again it is repeating it self.
This tells me that no one gets it. No one gets it. He was just not your nephew, grandson, cousin, friend. This was Timothy. YOUR friend, nephew, grandson, cousin. YOU all knew him well enough of what his good character and personality was but you chose to let him suffer alone and DIE ALONE. Do you know how sad that was?
did you know that church family came NOT knowing what was going on, but they came to show comfort and support during the hours before his death. They were there. They didn't know until they were leaving what was happening. They didn't call to verify this. They saw it for themselves. And they didn't argue or fight with me. They sang, comfort and prayed with us. But no other family was around.
And when he died I called and gave EVERYONE a 7 day notice of funeral instead I get criticized because of their decision to when to come. I called everyone on Saturday, while Tim's body laid in my arms. Seven days ahead of time of his funeral. Most did NOT even respond. Aunts, Cousins. Uncles. Grandparents. NO one bothered to see how I was doing and when I was trying to have the courtesy how family was doing. some had blocked my number. Really?! OHHHHH I can't wait till judgment day. I want to hear the excuses and lies you give to God.
No one gets it. I AM NOT THE FUCKING BAD GUY. I've given up so much for Timothy and I did everything I could for and with him. Even through my bad and tough times, he still was always my priority. Not a job. Not a fancy expensive house. Not a fancy car. No fancy vacations. I took him to be with family and many times family did come for him. But I gave up a lot for him. But I am still the bad guy. I did NOT abandon him. I accepted Timothy for Timothy. And Timothy, I'm sure he may not always liked what was happening to me, but I know in his heart he loved and accepted me. Unconditionally. UNCONDITIONALLY.
I gave everyone the courtesy phone advancement while his body, slowly getting cold, laid in my arms. While my son's body laid in my arms. MY SON DIED in my arms. Why can't any of you get this??? Why don't you understand a mother's grief??? A mother's heart ache. A mother's pain.
I am so tired of getting criticized for everything I do and say. I'm so tired of the lies and excuses. I can't to do this anymore. Its to bad that people don't get my new & changed life, my testimony...and they have to behave in such a way. I am so tired of being the bad guy. I guess karma won't come to soon.
If I offended anyone, I so much apologize. Please forgive me. I am grieving but I will NOT use that as an excuse. I know about choices and consequences. I guess I am just so angry, so hurt and the grief does not help....& no one gets it.
I'm out.
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