Every time I read that, it gives me great pride to know that I have a mighty God that is so willing to stand next me and give me the strength that I need for the day. Not only because of the physical pain I may be in, but mostly the emotional pain whenever I think of my own son, Timothy. Spiritually, I know He is always with me, no matter what. That is what keeps me going, thinking of how lucky I am to have a wonderful Heavenly Father that loves me and cares for me, even during my own suffering.
I know its been several days since I have been on line. it seems that I think my depression either keeps me busy around the house or in bed sleeping that I sort of lost interest even in getting online. Here now I am several stories/memories of Timothy behind now too. lol
I saw the Neurologist on Monday. The good news is that I don't have MS. However, she thinks I am having small seizures that may be causing other issues.
Sabbath, Khandi and Lizzy along with several church members went Christmas caroling at a local nursing home. I can't remember the last time I was in a nursing home, but it smelt so familiar to me. Brought back lots of memories from the 80's of why I was working at them...to prepare me for Timothy. For the many years I worked as a CNA in nursing homes in Maryland & in Colorado - I could not figure out why in the world God put me into those places. I hated it and surely that is not why I went into college for. But it wasn't until Tim had his spinal fusion and still in ICU while helping his nurse fix up his bed that I had my aha moment...God was getting me ready for Timothy.
Little did I know that I would have to nurse my own son, not back to health but to prepare him for death. His small body that was so able now became so disable due to an incurable disease. But little did I know that pretty much I would I have to do this alone. With very little help from family or none at all, and pretty much none from his dad. The physical and emotional toll that would take when caring for your own dying son.
But God has ways of preparing us for things. We may not always understand situations we are put in, and always ask why. I can now say that it was God. He has His reason and purpose for everything. to mold us. to make us whole...to service Him in ways unknown. God put Timothy into my life for a purpose. And although everything had to been baby steps, it would lead me to a giant step eventually. I still don't know what it is...or when it is, but know God is preparing me for this.
In late 1999, early 2000, Tim was accepted into the MAKE A WISH. He had a hard time decided what he wanted his wish to be. We threw so many different ideas out there to him, but for a ten year old to decide was difficult. Finally, it was decided, a Disney Cruise. and I made sure it was on his birthday, his 11th birthday at that. This was an event we would not forget.
We were living in Orlando already, and Tim had just won the Disney Dreamers & Doers Award from elementary school. He wrote a fabulous essay. I was proud of him and his wonderful writing skills. I will have to dig among my paper work to find this essay. But I proudly keep the award hung on the book shelf in my room today. Its purple band with the bronze metal that is clearly written in the Disney font. His essay was definitely written in Curiosity, Confidence, Courage and Constancy. The award was given to him by Wayne Brady, the comedian & show actor.
A picture of Tim in a gold frame sits on my tv table holding this bronze necklace that is around his neck. His grin, with shining eyes as he is able to sit forward in his newly power wheel chair. His sharp short hair cut, with the oval round eye glasses. As he proudly holds this award in his hand. He earned it, he surely did. Only a few in the state of Florida holds this pendant. Only a few in the state of Florida proudly holds this, I should say, and I'm proud to say that Timothy is one of them.
The year 2000 was a mighty good year for Timothy but defiantly Disney comped out. From his Award to the Disney cruise. Oh which was a great might fun trip it was. The luxuary car that took us to the ship, the mighty nice room with a huge bathroom, an awesome balcony and loads of ice cream. The boys spent more time going up and down the glass elevator than spending time at the club. Just as Linda and I was sitting down to enjoy our evening, we would get a call the boys were ready to go on the roll. What?! no!!! The boys could not be kept tied down. Even on Tim's birthday when in the Burmuda's they gave us a hard time. I was of course pleased with our nice waiters that treated Tim with his 11th birthday with a delicious cake.
Each evening for dinner we were in a different restaurant that treated us with a delicious meal. We spent one cool day on the Disney island with loads of things to do, but limited to what Tim can do since his body was beginning the progression process of limiting of what he could do. I know it was not fair, after all the trip was about him, not the rest of us. So we all took turns sitting on the beach with him. At one point I picked him up and told him he needed to try out the Caribbean waters. He was so afraid, but I held onto him and then dumped him quickly. He sat out in the sun wrapped in a towel the rest of the day.
We spent the next whole day at sea. It just seem the trip was way to short for us. just not long enough to do all that we wanted to do. I know for sure one thing, Kevin and Tim had the time of their lives running around the ship (ok Tim was in his power wheel chair, but you know what I meant!), and up and down the elevators teasing the passengers when or who can get on the elevator with them.
One of the highlight moments is when we got to meet the Ship Captain. We were able to get photos as well. Ohhh we took so many photos. So many to enjoy to look at and smile at each one as you look at Tim's sweet face and see that precious 11th smile.
I wish so much I could had taken him on another cruise trip. I know for sure I had taken him on many memorable vacations- including visiting his father's family in Philly. I know deep down he enjoyed each trip and making happy memories for all of us. And for those who walked away and chose not to make those memories with him...well that was their loss.
A-hoy Timothy!!!! We love you and miss you ...greatly!
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