Journal - A Candle Snuffed

A Candle snuffed.  A year ago today, a bright candle was snuffed.  Today is the date that my son's candle was snuffed.  At 1:36pm, he breathed his last breath, and went in peace to be with our God. The Almighty God who gave me Timothy to not only change me, but to also heal me.

I have wondered for years why God would allowed suffering to a child. It was not God. It was sin. Not Tim's sins, but the sins of our fathers.  From the very beginning, when Adams ate from that apple tree- his sins and the sins of his son's and grand children and so on.

When Timothy died, I felt that grief and pain especially after how much Timothy had suffered, I understood for the first time what God had experienced when He saw what Jesus went through and how He died on the cross. He died for us.  Timothy may have not endured as much as Jesus did, but enough for God to show me what He had experienced, his pain, heartache & grief;, not only as Jesus Father, but our Heavenly father too.

Although I totally understood God's love for me, sometimes in our life, we have to go through trials and tribulations for God to polish or lives to build our character to be like His.  We may have our ups and downs, but know for every up and for every down, God is with us, holding us, comforting us, especially healing us spiritually (as well as physically and emotionally).

For the first time this week, i  realized why God put Tim in my life.  Although I was asking God to please change and heal Timothy, all along, He gave Timothy to  change me and to HEAL me.


It doesn't mean I still don't miss my son. It doesn't mean I still don't grieve for him. HE WAS MY SON. The heartache pain will still be there.

I've been hearing from people around me, including family to get on with my life, it was the past now get on with it. Some of the  people, including family may never had children and to those who does still DOES NOT GET IT. I had one sister who told me you have known for years he was going to die. Yes, mentally you are prepared for it, but emotionally you are not.  And until this day, she still DOES NOT GET IT.  You just can't get over the loss of your child. That boy was in my life as his mother for 25 years.  We were like two peas in a pod. We went to places, we did things together. We experienced things together. We took care of each other.  And spiritually we grew together.  So until you have a child who has died, you really won't ever get it.  And that heartache pain that you will really experience, will never go away.

 And the next  person who tells me he was in the past and to move on, if I slap you, you will know why. Don't you ever tell a mother who lost their child to move on.  Every parent who has lost a child will tell you the same thing. Grief counselors will tell you the same thing.  Until you are a parent and/or have children and loose one, you will NEVER understand the pain, the heartache of the loss.  You will never understand how that changes you in so many ways. 

He may have only been in your nephew. He might had only been your grandchild.  He might have only been your cousin or he might have only been your friend, but he was my son.  MY SON. The one that laid in my womb for 9 months. The one that I  bore pain for in delivery.  The one that I raised and took care of even through my most difficult times.  Tim stuck it out and I stuck it out and it wasn't until I changed the way I thought, the way I felt, until I changed and transformed my brain and body, with Timothy witnessing this, then things started to change in his life for the same.

 One year ago today (date), Timothy already had his CPR and his body was still shutting down, his body still swelling, and I don't know if his mind was still there but he still listened to his Lincoln Park and Evanance. I still talked and prayed with him. I still reminded him that when it is over, he will be in a deep sleep, with no more pain and suffering and when he wakes up the first thing he will see will be Jesus face on Resurrection day. I told him how he will have a new body and mind, and it will be beautiful.  But know that I will always love you, and you will never be forgotten.(I also reminded him if he gets to heaven before me to make sure he has a good seat next to God and have our protests out to keep his dad out of heaven, as God does NOT allow selfish people in heaven. Sorry it was the way Tim and I joked around).



Yesterday, I needed to grieve since it was the Saturday (Sabbath) he passed on but I was to busy helping Judy and her family with their family crises, Today I decided enough is enough I need to grieve.

I realized over the last year how much most of my family and friends had really lacked that support I needed by being there emotionally. Instead from some I got more grief and heartache. (no encouraging cards, flowers or some with no phone calls) To the point I realized that is one candle I need to snuff.  Instead of showing support, they were to busy criticizing every single thing I was doing and saying and talking behind my back.  And when I tried to talk to my brother (who had just lost his dad) I was understanding his pain, his grief, but my emotional support seem to be not enough. And then when my sister-in-law criticized me for sharing my testimony on my blog from my own experience with his father (something tells me she might have not read the whole blog), then I realized maybe I just don't belong.

 Some may say "it is your paranoial" some may say "maybe I don't get it" oh  trust me, I get it, but I don't think they are seeing the whole picture only part of the picture or only choosing part of the picture. I don't know. It is only my opinion or my perception.  Just perhaps it is theirs.  No one is right or wrong, including me. But how I am receiving the vibres, from which I felt more people rather listen to the lies and deceitfulness of one person then to come to me and talk to me, tells me they choose to listen to the lies and deceitfulness then show the emotional support that I had to endure the last year. Not  just the lost of Timothy, but i had to deal the homelessness, there were just to many losses, and my one sister just thinks she knows it all like she is mightier than I am, better or think she is smarter than I am. Like I am an idiot when I know I am not.

Until this day she still doesn't believe I had the stroke yet she read the medical records, the one who thinks she knows it all  thinks because she did not see the word "stroke" in the medical records (another medical terminology was used and she didn't know what that was and even one of Tim's nurses told her it meant stroke).


I am just so tired of it all.  I am trying to be there for people emotionally- but no one wants to just listen to me, my pain. my own experience and if you choose not to get me and where I am emotionally and spiritually then I don't what else to do.  I had there for my family even they didn't ask me to. Maybe because with most I get it. I understand not only their pain, but I also may understand what they are experiencing.  Maybe they don't want to understand me and my experience, but I DO understand what most are experiencing.

What I am mostly tired of being judged, condemned and criticize for every single thing I do, say or even what is happening to my body since the cancer scare.   I can't help it.  I have made major changes in my life and I know I am still working on a lot. I am NOT perfect nor have I claimed to be perfect...but right now I feel like this light that should be shining so brightly that the enemy is working so hard to snuff it out.

I choose to not let the enemy (Satan) snuff my spiritual light out. If my family and friends don't want me around or don't want me to belong, that is fine.  I will find my emotional and spiritual support else where. People who will lift me up, (encourage me, talk to me like an adult, pray with me, and help  me grow with God), and not allow people who will tear me down (talk behind my back, spread lies, criticize me, tear me apart, gossip, spread false rumors)

I have a voice and I should be allow to use it like anyone else.

Today, I grieve for the loss of my son.  The candles are lit in my room - around his urn, near his pictures. I held his urn in my arms as I wept and laid next to him with the girls. Its 1:36pm- one year ago today, Tim is now gone. I had laid in the bed with him in my arms when he passed. Today, I laid in his bed with his urn in my arms as I wept and grieved over the terrible loss.

Timothy will NOT be forgotten.

His life may have ended, but Timothy's LIGHT will forever shine.

"There is going to come a day when you see my name shining brighter than it ever has before. There is going to come a day when this path I walk will a little more clearer. But until it happens I keep moving on through all the misunderstandings and missed chances. It hasn't slowed me down. The only thing you have to decide is how long you want to be part of the ride. Because I'll never miss the living, you're still around, so many means for me to hear your voice, to say your name. I only miss those who've moved on from this realm, to a world we cannot comprehend. So decide right now, do you want to see how this all will go?"

-Megan R. Yates, 2015 

REST IN PEACE

Timothy Michael Bird

4/3/89-3/1/2014