Nothing like hearing something sweet and wonderful at a time of despair.
You realize after 20 plus years that you did something was really stupid and ignorant. OK..so yes I did go to college and I even graduated from college. But I still did something stupid! And it is now affecting how I receive my education.
After 13 years of taking care of my son with a life threatening illness, then his passing, I had learned the hard way that I need to go back and update my skills. Problem is what I did over 20 years ago. I am no rich person and had not worked in years. I don't have extra cash laying around to work with. So I have to depend on Financial aid. But up to 2 years ago, I no longer can just go in & get with help with financial aid even if I was approved, it could not be rewarded. It is now base on your GPA...2.0 plus. Well yes, as I was saying, I did graduate from college, but I went back to take more classes and instead of going to the classes or dropping the classes, I just left it. Well those grades killed my GPA. So now, due to that, it is now killing my financial aid. And the only way to bring it back up is to take one or two classes & out of my own wallet.
That angered me. That pisst me off. I don't want to be stuck nor do I want to be a stuck homeless person. I am determine to do something with my life, but with what? My looks?! So after meeting with Vocational Rehab and someone from the VC program, I felt there was little hope. But something keeps me from orientation...if its not one medical thing, its another.
Right after this happened, I rushed to the Farmers Market down town to look for a nurse that use to care for Tim. I knew she sold her Goat Cheese there every Wednesday and I was praying she would be there. I didn't know if she knew about Tim. She and Tim clicked... but she always still did things out of the guidelines, so she had to leave. I wish I could got a hold of her before Tim passed. Then I found her.
After a warm hug & brief conversations with her, I learned something that brought tears to my eyes. Tim had always told us that if he was to come back, that he wanted to come back as a dog. I don't remember why, but he did. He also had a thing with one of the previous nurses, a blond and a cutie. About six weeks after Tim's death, while at another farmers market, a young female (blond) customer approached her with a small dog/puppy looking for goat cheese. Well the dog was acting like he was excited, hopping and waging his tail. Then the owner started talking to the dog and went as far as calling the dog, "Timmy." The dog continue to act excited and happy, even as they walked away. Lucy remembers making a comment ..."well you got what you wanted, ha Tim" the puppy looked back at her with a smile. Lucy had learned of Tim's death 2 weeks afters.
You can't help but smile from this. Fate would only take us to a place that is beyond. While staying at Ruth's house, in the back yard, there was this beautiful butterfly that kept flying towards me and around me...for over 10 minutes. All I could say was..."I know that is you Tim, thank you for looking after me. I miss you. I love you. Two days later, it was the dragon flies. All I can do is smile....and lately Tim has been here by again, the beeping of the horn of my truck. I talk to him just as if he is here. And it would always stop the horn from going off.
It would always work. I'm not crazy. I'm not insane if so I could not be writing about it. And ever since I have been here at Ruth's house, he has been around much more often. So I know it is him. And I'm glad he is around. It brings me such pride
And please don't look at me and roll your eyes and tell me some beliefs. I know! But until you are a parent and watched your child die in front of you, you will never get it. Your heart and soul so ever wants that connection. IT does bring you peace to know...that they are just ok!
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