My Pastor was there for Tim the day before he died. Talked with him. Prayed with him. Teased him. Even for his funeral. I couldn't be more grateful. It was almost like a father-son thing. But then suddenly in the days, months and even year after his death I noticed that whenever I bring up Tim's name to any of the Pastors they walk away. Just seems so rude and disrespectful to me...& to him.
Recently I brought this up to another member and they brought up that perhaps it was a sensitive matter. In my mind I was thinking, sensitive to them? How do you think I am feeling? But yet through out my grieving, I have learned that bringing up my son's name should be like a light unto my path. His birthday and anniversary of his death should also be an special occasion.
In the days before and the month of March, I have fallen into a deep depression. I cried alot and even distant myself away from family & members of my church. Folks that were suppose to be like my family. I say this because I seem to get more support from them then my own family and friends. But at the same time I had to hide. For the first year I think I fell in the shock that Tim had passed. I was grieving but in a total different way. I think I kept my faith in God that strengthened me in so many different ways. But by the anniversary date, I had fallen apart. Grief had hit me like a brick wall.Grief does something to you especially to parents who just lost a child. It really changes you. You really feel the heartache, the pain. I have cried for hours, days, weeks. I held my son's urn closer to me as if hugging him. Missing him so much.
In the days before March 1, I had attended a funeral of my stepfather, my (half) brother's father. I was there as a support to my brother. He was there for me many times, I knew he needed me as much as I needed him in moral and emotional support. My sister from Virginia had flown down and my twin was with me. Although I was grieving for my stepfather, I was still grieving for my son. I felt that in a way God was putting all together for a reason. In my eyes or perception, I needed my family's support for my pain- the loss of my son. But I had to find a way to put that away to be there for my brother. But sadly at the same time, during my time of grief, I found my sisters criticizing me for everything I did and said. I was hurting and instead of being there for support, I was being ridicule for stupid senseless stuff and it was hurting me to the point I had to leave. No good-byes. No thank you's. I was hurting so bad. I was grieving deeply. No one noticed. No one asked. No one cared. I left angry, in tears. I no longer wanted to be part of this family. They really didn't get it. As a parent themselves, they didn't get it.
I have failed to go to a grief counselor or a grief group. I think it was fear that kept me from there. Plus, I was not sure where I was suppose to be or live during the last year. I needed to see one and although I was seeing one at the college, (Yes the college I wanted to go to in August but circumstances kept me from it.), it was one that was documenting anything for insurance or disability purposes. But she was wonderful to talk to.
I needed my pastor- I needed that spiritual guidance. But I found that part of me was loosing that trust, that faith in God. My strength was weakening. No one called. No one emailed. No one text. I felt so alone. I didn't know where they were. It was like I had become invisible. Like what I was experiencing was not important enough. I felt part of me like they too didn't get it. Like I was the crazy one for bringing Tim up, celebrating his birthday, painting a memorial wall. Why didn't anyone understand?
Where was my Pastor? Where were any of them when I needed them. I didn't hear from any until the end of the month when suddenly I started getting text. At first I was ignoring them...then I found how much I needed them even if part of me was angry at them that I slowly start to respond to members, But where was my Pastor? Where were any of them?
Although we have wonderful Pastors, I think Pastors also have a hard time knowing what to say. I had hope to find a good article about this, but I guess there are none out there. (lol) but ran into many other great articles.
I still need my Pastors, I don't know when they will stop and listen and pray with me or help me through this or anyone else dealing with grief. My Pastor is a great guy to talk to if it has nothing to do with grief...I just don't know why grief chases them away. I hope someday to find out.
Has your Pastor been there for you during your grief? Should they be? if not, Why not?
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