Journal - Wanding in Darkness far to Long

I was determined in some way or form to get Judy's back patio cleaned out - totally!  That also meant making sure the windows were all done, the screen cleaned and up, the floor swept and mopped and everything set up before she got home from Alz. 

While cleaning one of the screens, my thoughts suddenly wandered to my younger brother.  For some unknown reason, I remembered him weeping at his father's funeral at the cemetary.  I padded him on the shoulder, knowing and understanding the grief that he was experiencing.  It is never easy to loose a love one, even a parent.  But as I pondered on this more, it hit me like a brick wall.   My brother really understood forgiveness, deep down inside.

My (half) brother almost grew up as an orphan. Pretty much he was raised by his grandmother and uncle.   His father had gone away for a while soon after our mother's death.  All I can really remember the few months I was down in Ft. Lauderdale in the early 80's, how much my brother hated his father. The constant fighting, yelling.  His father taking out the spark plugs out of his car..my brother disappearing for hours, even started drinking at a very early age.  For me at the time I just knew it was not right, but what I  know now, he was numbing his nightmares, perhaps his flashbacks of his much earlier childhood.  It was his way of escaping from his father, all all that he was dealing with from his earlier life.  Now, I can understand why, back then, I was to ignorant to totally understanding it all.   And even if I knew hen what I know now, that teenager would still probably ignored me, the rebellious boy. My brother was an intelligent kid,  but his battles inside was just as deep as it was emotionally.

Some how - later on life, even after all the running was done; my brother understood something that I missed in my younger years. True forgiveness.  My brother had to find the faith in God- trust Him and know that all things would work out.  And in the long run it did. I don't know if his wife had something to do with it, but some how he got it...but I hadn't for years.

I say this because I remember that "hate' or the rebellious teen...I don't exactly how to explain this, but my brother stepped up to the plate and took care of his father like a son should, like family should.  Maybe because he began to understand more of his father's illness.  I don't know.  But I know that forgiveness and love had to step in because my brother had become a different man, even more so after his own son's birth.

My stepdad for years had been sowing so much love, forgiveness and most of all God's great love that even I missed the boat.   I think I was to busy trying to find the real story then to find the real forgiveness.  Its like I was totally blind and really ignorant that what I thought I had in my hands was really me tramping all of it.  And it was not until my own eyes opened to my own spirituality/Christianity that I really started to see the light end of the tunnel.

At my step dad's funeral, at the cemetary, I think I was the only one who brought flowers. I shared it with those around me, including my brother who also shared it with his son. Together as we watched Dominick's coffin lowered in the ground, I not only threw the flowers on his coffin, I loudly expressed my thanks for all the years he sowed God love and that now not only all the prayers of my grandmothers but perhaps his were answered.

I had to take off the black blanket off my head, and I realized after all these years there was light.  How all along, all this time, it was a sunny day out on the lake. My little boat no longer needed to wander in the dark.

...and yes Judy's patio is now 99.9% completed!