It has been airy. Frightened. In September the Cat/Pet scan had shown two new lesions and they were bigger than the first three (3) that were there for 9 months. There is no way knowing if this was cancer. No one knew for sure. But why were there? What were their purposes? And one thing for sure, they better not be cancer. I just was not sure if I could deal with this.
I have had to many losses this year ... and everything I was going through was God trying to tell me something. Was this the end of the rope for me? I had been praying and of course asking friends and family to pray. I had hoped my church family was praying along with me. I knew there was a purpose for all this, now it was time to open my mind and heart and listen for God's voice, first I really needed to trust Him.
So when I entered the office of the pulmonologist, I had my reasons to fear them. I did not know if I was going to get bad news or good news..or any news at all. I needed to know what they were going to do with these five (5) lesions. One of my biggest fear is Sepsis. Yes....I was afraid they were going to go in and get samples to have a biopsy done. But they would to go get it, and that is what they did for Timothy. It is how he got Sepsis and my fear it would happen to me too. I know it sounds stupid, but hey your minds runs crazy too when you are going in for a test results.
But this is for sure one thing that I really needed to do is learn to TRUST God!!! oh how I lack that. I hate it when I fall into that rut and I screw it up and fail to trust Him. And He keeps showing me over n' over n' over HE is still in charge.
Then the good looking guy came in. I don't know if he was a resident, but his looks surely knew how to get your mind off the issue at hand. After a good talk and he showed me the pet scan, I was thrilled to find out that not only did I not have lung cancer, but that pretty much all lesions were gone with the exception of one (the biggest in September) but it was decreasing in size.
Hallelujah!!! I am for sure cancer free!! You want to talk about a happy dance! I knew that was God. And I for sure said that in front of the good looking doctor. (ok I forgot his name, but that would had been a good excuse over the good looking doctor). That, my friends, was God. And it was obvious that it was God. No second question about it.
But I was not 100% cleared yet. The Neurologist that I saw a week ago still had to clear what was going on in my brain. What was causing my brain to do what it was doing...what I was calling "brain games" and even " brain shutting down". Today, I had the EEG. Wednesday, I have the MRI. another of my fears. I hate to be in a close in tube. I need my Klonopin. lots of them!
As I was laying there, the tech was clearing the leads off of my head. I suddenly bursted out in tears. It hit me as I had been thinking of Tim. Memories were pouring in and I could not stop them. He existed. He had to. Why the memories. But then I realized...now he know longer existed. It hit me hard. I could not hold back the tears. It literally broke my heart. My son no longer existed. He is gone...forever. I no longer can run to him to tell him things or show him stuff. As I held the little angel in my hand in the gift shop, "Somewhere over the Rainbow came on by IZ. I could not help but fall apart and cry. My son was not here to hold me like I held him for so long. How could he be gone. I am alone. I am sad. The heartache pain was real, no doubt. The lost of a child is beyond grief. It is something I wouldn't want from my enemy. I am sad...very sad
For you Timothy!!! I love you
Last Friday Judy and I went to the Homecoming Parade. We enjoyed it even while passing out the flyers..for Judy's House. Seems like we just didn't have enough. Then on Saturday, what a disappointment. I don't know what was going on, but apparently Jorge did NOT communicate to his employees about the Fundraising. They somehow talked me out of it and closed the place up by 5pm. I don't know how we plan to raise $3,000 by November 2, but I really really really need to trust God.
If it happen for November 9, then it was meant to be. IF we are able to raise that money in that short of time, then for sure that is God.
I tired to call my Aunt in Miami today, but got the hung up. My point taken, family never counted when I needed them but they for sure hell know how to use me for when they needed me for them. Am I paranoid?
I'm tired. I need to lie down. That was God. Trust Him. He never ever leaves us. Yes, He does exist. If He didn't, then you and I would not be here right now.
Trust Him.
That was God!
PS...BTW, come to find out...the lesions were inflammation of the lungs.
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