Journal - Survival Guilt & Anger

Its now coming to the end of January and the closer we get to March 1, the more I find myself grieving, crying so far more.  There is a guilt that is beyond  like at times I feel my brain is going to explode.  I am so afraid for March 1 to come, I don't want it to because then that means I have to not only accept that a year has gone by without him, but then I have to deal more n' more of the memories of that day and again, I am feeling more n' more of the depression coming on.

My doctor and a few others keep telling me that I really need to go see a grief counselor. I know they are right, but I am afraid to. I am afraid to let out all that emotional pain and memories of March 1, but the same time I am afraid I may one day blow up too.   Anger. So much anger. Not only of Tim's death, but the stupidity of Tim's father and yet the stupidity of the hospital of NOT telling me what was really going on. If I had known, I could had explain to Timothy much more. 

Please understand that although his body was giving up, his mind was not. I'm not even sure where his mind was after the CPR.  IT wasn't until later that I learned that he had a stroke, that I figured probably he might had not even been there. It scares me to think that maybe he was brain dead.  But the last 4-6 hours of his life, part of his right eye was open, by his death, both of his eyes were closed, from death? or from the swellon that continued from the blood infection-Sepsis that Timothy got from the Hospital equipment. 

Tim had always survived his pneumonia, collapse lungs and more, but what killed him was the Sepsis-the blood infection that was causing his organs to shut down to the swollen from way to much fluids that made it impossible for his heart to pump. 

In the room I'm staying, at the end of the bed hangs a shelf that holds photos of Timothy from years to months to days before his death, and his urn with candles that are lit-memories of my son. Its the last thing I look at before I close my eyes and the first thing I look at when I wake up.   I miss him oh so much.

Recently while sending out an email to family and friends for a Celebration of Timothy on his birthday and announcing my rebaptism with the FORGIVENESS to heal and renew, I was shock that one of my relatives who claims to be a christian sent me a nasty email. I was like ok, that person didn't get what it meant  to FORGIVE, to heal and to renew...they had to some how bring up the past and diagnosed it to tiny little details.  So I realized I had grown up, changed the way I think & feel and I did NOT have to respond to them.  With or without them I was going to celebrate this year Timothy's birthday. NO ONE was around to be with me on his last birthday (only a month after his death).  

So this year...TIMOTHY WILL NOT BE FORGOTTON for HE LIVED as he wanted to live to the best of his ability and if some family members choose not to see this, they will have to live with that guilt. 

My guilt was that I should had just let him die in his sleep on March 1 instead of the CPR which did cause more damage and suffering.  But I did what he wanted. But I think he would had died in much more peace then suffering in his death. 

I just realized, now I know what God went through when He witnessed Jesus death.