As humans, it is normal to have doubt of
where we are going or what we are suppose to do. Yes, we question
ourselves, but mostly God...& to why?! Is it because I really lack
trust or even faith in God. I mean, I know God has a special plan for
my life and I must be patient for this, however, I must also hold my
faith in Him, keep my trust in Him and walk out and live as it already
happens.
When
I pray, I do thank and praise Him for not only what He has done but
what he is about ready to do. I do this on a daily basis. But here I
stand in what I call my pit of hell dealing with the yelling, insulting
the verbal abuse, the accusations and I keep searching not only for a
job but a different place to live. I thought I was heading to Miami and
not sure now where I am suppose to be or what I am suppose to do
anymore. Like Peter, have i sunk into the roaring ocean that wants to
eat me up or do I keep my eyes on Jesus and walk by faith that He will
provide everything in His timing. Is what I considered my little hell a
little school to teach me about peer pressure and how to walk in faith
with Him. Is He training me for something better and greater? Oh I know
He is, there is no doubt about that.
I
know at times I just feel so confuse. I had it all planned to head to
Miami and stay with family. After all, I'm homeless and I need a little
help...but where is the LOVING family support. Am I going to be stuck
living out of my truck with my dogs. My aunt is determine not for me
to stay with her with my dogs. I can hear it in her voice, the tone the
desperation not to bring my dogs. But what am I suppose to do? these are
MY kids, my babbies. I am NOT going to give them up. I had to calm her
down and ask her to please trust in God. Have faith that things will
work out. But it won't if she is freaking out. Just trust Him.
Trust. T R U S T.
I
finally reached my cousin, he is trying to help me find a safe place to
stay. But I need to hear from him before Thursday. As I exit out of
here, do I go north to Jacksonville or do I head south, to....um....I
don't know anymore. Its like "wow, God, what would you have me do and
where....?" What if God was one of us...what if God was one of these
dogs...and Matthew 27 talks about when He was hungry, sick and
homeless....how did you treat Him? What if God was one of us? Are we
really going to keep Him out of our homes? Forget to feed Him or
clothed Him or help Him get well? Are we lacking that respect for
each other...for Him.
Wow!!
I still have so much to learn. I really do lack faith and trust in
Him. Might explain why so much is going on around me the way things are
going.
We
were able to drive up to Gainesville on Thursday and I met up with the
Social Security disability determination. She gave me the impression I
was going to keep it but again I like trust...in the government. I have
found quite often that people say one thing but do something else. It
makes me worry but also makes me NOT trust in people either. I hate it
when people talk the talk but don't walk the talk.
After
picking up some of my medical records and again checking out the
storage unit one more time, Donna drove back and I pretty much slept. It
does not take much for my body to wear out quickly. I'm just not getting younger anymore.
I
finally went to church while here in the Orlando area and really did
NOT get a warm welcome from the members there. Not even from the few I
knew there. Its was like I did not belong there and didn't want me to
be there. I realized not all SDA churches are friendly people or maybe
their "rich" status gives them the holier than thou attitude.
Thankfully my Gainesville church family is far from that. And it is
that I miss so much. The warm friendliness, the family atmosphere. Its
ashamed that some churches just doesn't sense that with each other.
Although I have to say the Pastor was a very resourceful man but to busy
to talk to a guest. . I pray and hope my Gainesville Pastor is not
like that at all.
But
one thing I do wonder. Why our church has NO program for their members
who has become homeless. Members who are struggling to survive.
Members who does not have their own home, their own pillow to sleep on,
their own kitchen to cook in. Why are our homeless members being
ignored. How can we preach about Jesus helping the poor, the sick, the
dying and even the dead when we ourselves can not do the same? Are the
leaders of our church also lacking trust? Is the church I visited lack
Trust with each other or even the visitors who come in. I mean talk
about cold shoulders. Is this how we were to treat God or Jesus if He
walked in those doors and stat on those pews? No greeters. No shaking
of hands. No welcoming. Not even during church service. Where was
everyone? Where was the trust? Where was the faith...in God? Like
there was a sense of Fear? But fear of what? Did something happened
for them to feel or act like this?
Back to where I belong...right now in God's hands.
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