Redeemed

I know some of you probably will find a way to ridicule me. Knock me down. Spit on me and even curse at me.  Its ok...I am still going to love you.

For the last several years I have been making new efforts, strides to "redeem" myself.  I know I have wandered from God's path and lived my own selfish life.  But then as I started to make changes with my character, my way of thinking and how to react to things,  I  s l o w l y  started to make changes in my life.

O!! I knew I had a long way to go.  A lot of changes to make. A change of heart. A change of mind. I started to grasp what I had missed and lacked for years and while doing so, I needed to also make sure Tim was also.   Not that his character needed to be change, but his spirituality.

I loved my son with all my heart. He meant the world to me.  But my character, who I had become...this angry angry angry person that like changed my personality.  So much anger and even hate.   But as I started to change the way I thought and felt, I also noticed how other things changed in my life too...including prayer.

Ok...I know I am not perfect! I would be the first to admit this. And yes even at the stage I am now at, I still have a L O N G  ways to go.  But the good news is this...God is not finish with me yet.  He is still working on me.  My character, my foolish thoughts, my behavioral...even my heart.

As I found ways to drive myself closer to God (Tim too!), I realized something I really lacked.  My own spiritual food.  Yes, I started to go to church, fellowship, enjoying the sermons, etc... and yes I even gave my heart back to God; but I was still missing something...badly!

For many years, I had difficulty in reading. There was that concentration issue.  No matter what I read, there always would be a word or two or a phrase or a paragraph that would trigger my thoughts and I could never finish a page, much less a book.  I was so fret up with this.   I needed to put my mind on a different track.  I needed more spiritual food.

It would take a nearly a year after Tim's death before I realized what I was so hungry for.  I lacked the wisdom & food from the word of God.  How could I be so naieve.  I understood so much about God's plan for me, where I was gong or what I was suppose to do.  I had gained this knowledge, but I knew I needed more of God's wisdom.   How could I have been so lost without it.

So I did what needed to be done. I bought myself a new Bible.  It took a while, but after reading some inspiraing books that was helping me to understand more about prayer, how to pray and what to pray about it, I realized, why didn't I have a new fresh start with what was the most important book on earth- the Bible.   So after much research and spending several hours at a book store, I did it.

Now, as I read, I can really understand and stay focus.  Stay focus without my mind wandering or triggered.  I could read and be fed what God has been wanting for me for so long.  because my mind was open to understand God's love, acceptance and even forgiveness, because I was so hungry for His Guidance, protection...for His word, I could clearly read without being fogged up.

So I thank those who fervently kept me (and Tim) in their prayers.  Miracles do happen!

And the sweet thing about it...its like I want more. I am finding myself read more than a verse, its like I need to read the whole chapter, the whole book.   For the first time years, I can really read my Bible and truly understand it.   All that brain washing thinking had disappeared and my playing role can now stop and I can truly truly truly be R E D E E M E D.

For now, I understood what to be redeemed by...I have known years...hearing the songs and all...but now the real meaning was not only in my heart, but mind too