Tears of Sorrow
As
I lay here on this cool bed, feeling the ceiling fan blow down on me
and and the dogs, I felt the chest pain, the heartache, the sorrow of
loss of Timothy. As tears began to quickly run down my face, I was
beginning to realize more n' more that he was not coming back....again.
This was a done deal. He was gone, forever.
My
sweet, funny, smart, intelligent, gorgous son was gone. Taken from me.
Part of me wanted to blame the nurses who should had known something
was wrong when his face swelled, when he was sleeping more, when his
blood pressure was lower. Part of me also knew that this terrible
disease had robbed me of my only child. Taken him away from.
The
chest in my pain was not from my cardio or even my anxiety, it was my
heart aching, my heart in pain from the loss of a child- my child.
Little things, writing job applications, photos, videos, songs, yes even
the dogs was bring to many memories of Timothy. Timothy. My bundle of
joy.
My
son's death have left me in a disolute situation, homeless. I'm still
trying to find my own bed to sleep on, my own address to have, my own
pillow to cry on, and my own garden to plant. Today, I think for the
first time I never felt so frightened not knowing. Not knowing what
tomorrow will bring.
I
have found to be true that at times family can be the harshes. No not
all of them but a few of them Yes. My one sister really never did get
it. She had no clue the pain of loosing a child, then your home and God
only knows what more was coming up. I kept to myself, minding my own
business basically and yet I was stilll to blame for all her's and her
grand daughters ...basically shit. Accused and blamed for stuff that we
were NOT responsible for. Pretty much, my sister didn't understand grief
and continue to add more grief to my already pain. And like always, I'm
sure she spread false BS to the rest of the family, and like always,
most of them were foolish enough to believe her. I challenge them to
live with her for 1 week or 2 weeks and lets see if they come out of
there with their sanity. If they are smart like I was, I would pack up
and move as far as possible.
Pretty
soon, the dogs and I will be out again, sleeping in the truck, finding a
place for a bathroom, a place to shower, a place to do laundry. I
couldn't believe that people from another church told me to sleep at a
rest area. Really?! Is that what you would had told Jesus? Sleep at a
rest area.
Last
night at prayer meeting a member told me I needed to move on. Yes I do.
But apparently she has never lost a child to death. My son suffocated
in his own fluid and died in His sleep and although Yes I know the
Resurrection of Jesus gives us so much hope of Heaven...you still weep
for your son.
As
I imagained, Mary still did for Jesus when He died. I don't know how
she reacted when he resurrected, and arose to heave. I'm sure her heart
had a different tune. We don't know for sure. I just know...she wept.
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