Journal - June 12 Family



Family - How are you doing?

So all the time I have been mourning over my loss, I realize how I forgot to ask my family how they are doing.  I know it may not be easy for them as it has not been for me either...but I know as cousins, aunts, uncles or even grandparents it may not been easy for them.



"How do parents, grandparents, and families of child loss get through? Day by day, and many times hour by hour. And, there are days when it's minute by minute. We never know when the crushing blow of heartache is going to knock us off of our feet and send us spiraling down into that deep pit of sorrow. Every day in the aftermath of child loss is different -- we have no control over our emotions, and we never know when a trigger is going to appear that sends a gush of tears flowing from our heart. The only thing we know for sure is that we love our child with all of our heart and would give anything -- absolutely anything -- to have our child back with us!"

So many times our memories are just tears rolling down our face. Things, sounds, music, a movie or even a joke, Tim's sarcasms, little things can trigger memories of him.  For the first time since Tim's death, I actually saw him in my dream last night. It was awesome to see him, talk to him and hear his voice.   Do you see him in your dreams. A photo? 

 This morning, it happened again. The horn of my SUV was going off in the wierdiest way. Not a consitent beeping but like in a song way. I finally acknowledge to him and talked to him and once he knew I was there talking to him, he gave one final little beep. I cried. I miss him so much.  I miss hearing him talk back and how he would ask for things. If it ever happens again, I need to record it so you can hear what I'm talking about.  

 Tim's death changed in so many way for me. It totally changed my world.  I know emotionally I still have a lot of healing to do, physically as well.  I'm due for another surgery perhaps next week. I have been job seeking and event trying to get a Ticket to work. But so far I have hit walls.  My 14 years of taking care of Timothy...advocating for him and so much more didn't amount to anything for the work world even if it did for God.  I may have to start taking classes and just do minimum wage work. I can't get an apartment unless I have a job, so meanwhile, I'm broke and homeless.  

 People asked why didn't I put money away.  And I would answer with what?? I lived on my disability, just as Timothy did. What was to put away. We had our rent and our bills to pay and most time came short of funds just for our daily living. Some times we didn't have money for our medications. So with what was I to put away?  

My full time job was taking care of Timothy, while myself, I was ill. Especially towards the end when I had been diagnosed with colon cancer...I still had an open wound when Timothy passed.   I didn't get paid taking care of Timothy.  I gave up my job and my lifestyle to make sure he had a good life of his own. 





Meanwhile, his dad who worked several jobs, lived in a "mansion,"  got married started a family taking his vacations...made absolutely no willingly sacrifices for Timothy, like I had too, walked away from all this without help paying for the funeral or any his medical bills that are showed up after Tim's death and in his dad's own words..." they are your bills not mine." Excuse me, he shared the same DNA!! and since Victor demanded the child support to stop, we no longer had the funds to pay these bills.  So who made the sacrifices for this child? Who willingly made the sacrifices for Timothy...it was I, his mother who lovingly cared for him while his father selfishly abandoned him.  Yes, he made some calls and occasionally bought some cool anime dvd's for him, but he never made an effort to visit him and never kept any promises he made.  And one thing Tim's father failed to do as well, was to introduce Tim to his brother and sister in person.  His father took their hands and walked away from Timothy, depriving him of his rights to meet and know his siblings. And what about their rights to know their brother??!!  All I can say someday it will come back to bite him in the ass!  Ouch...it will hurt too.

Yes Tim's father pretty much abandoned him. All I can say is...judgment day is coming. All his family who FAILED to not only show up for Tim's funeral, not one card, flowers, phone call...well they all will have to answer to God to why they abandoned this boy when he was alive...& dead. Did they foolishly believed Victor's lies over the truth?  I think so.  And yet, it is God whom they will have to answer too and guess what?!

                              ...Tim will be sitting right next to God, at that time, with his protest sign! 



I am thankful I had Timothy in my life. He was so much of a blessing to me. To know Timothy was to know God.   He was such a good boy, never got into trouble (except with girls at times (lol) ).  I'm thankful that we have a wonderful Heavenly Father who never ever leaves us. Who doesn't abandon us. He takes our hands and walks with us.  He does not deprive us of knowing Him, as OUR Father. A Father who is there 24/7 365 days...& takes good care of us.  

I don't know why,  I'm more than sure God does know why, Tim was put into our lives other than to teach us about love, acceptance, forgiveness, mercy, sacrifices and healing.  Tim came into our lives for a short time but gave us abundance of love.  His disease  well that is another whole story, but we know it was part of teaching the world of what sin will do to humans. It may not be Tim's sins, but the sins of our fathers.

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