A New Journey: Journal - July 14 Once in a Lifetime

Once in a lifetime

Its been quite a week. You can't imagine what I had to go through. However even through my toughest times, my darkest hours I know God is preparing me for a special assignment. I don't know what He has planned for me, but He is for sure getting me ready for it.

One thing I have learned and that many others have agreed on is when there is a loss in the family, it seems that is when family are the harshes. Loosing Timothy has been a heart break. I grieve heavily more now for him then ever, but to then to loose my home, my cat of seven (7) years. I know I am about ready to loose my truck too, but I am some how hanging onto it. After all, right now it is considered my home. Being homeless sucks. Big time. Worse part is that family now ignores you (and your needs), and even some of the church family looks away. Per my sister, I'm an "embarrassment". Hey least i dress decent, take showers, brush my hair, out on the job search and home search. Its not like I'm a drunk or a druggie. So I'm not sure how I can be an embarrassment?

You know one thing I keep hearing from different churches and organizations...this help is only a once a life time thing. I now have to laugh. Really?!! Funny. Jesus never helped the sick, the poor or even the dead "as a once in a life time thing." I don't care what generation we are in now or how things are, Jesus would NEVER "only help as a once in a life time." The wonderful thing about Jesus is that He helps for a life time. Did you hear that? Jesus helps for a life time. A life time. Jesus doesn't accept you once or forgive you once. He ACCEPTS and FORGIVES you for a life time.    Jesus doesn't open His door only once for you. He open His door for you for YOUR lifetime. Do you open your door for Him for a lifetime or just once?

I had been staying with my sister in Apopka for a little over a month. It was suppose to be for a few days. But there kept being delays. And when it was ready to go to Miami to be with family...again that too became a "joke". They wanted me to give up my family members. My two yorkies. They just couldn't handle it. hmmmm so if they were humans, which still needed a home and help, you would want me to put them up someplace else?   I don't think so. I don't think you would do that if it was your family members, why ask my to give up mine.

I had already giving up so much. I didn't know how much more I can give up.   I have had so much loss in 3 months that I felt like now my family wanted me to even give up my life.   I wasn't sure if that is that Jesus wanted. So after all the stress, I was so tired of hearing my sister's yelling, screaming, cursing. threats, that I just packed up and left. That meant what little income I had I used to stay at a hotel or camped out or even slept in my truck.

I was at a point in my life, Christianity- spirituality and even emotionally, that I just didn't need that stress. The loss of my son and now being homeless was already weighing me down and it seem like my family just didn't get it.   I don't know why...but I just had to leave in order to save my sanity. I was getting some immediately counseling at a local church and I knew I needed more than he could give me but after my sister's drama...and now actual becoming real homeless...I was at the turning point of saving my self. I was living only on the little of my disability funds and the month just begun and now I was out of funds.

I had just talked to the counselor and was parked at the very end of the parking lot, trying to reorganize myself. The Thrift store had opened and many were going in and out for help. I knew I needed to as well but had to reorganize myself in order to think straight when a lady approached me and asked if I needed help. I told her I was reorganizing my truck sine I was homeless and she advised me to go in for more help. I thanked her and continue to finish working on my stuff when she came from behind me and gave me $20. I thanked her and she left. As I was finishing, an elderly man approached me in his golf cart and accused me of asking people for money. I told him he was false then he theatened me to leave the property or he was going to call the sherriffs office. I was like really?! I have NOT done anything wrong and suddenly I was the bad guy. He gave me 10 minutes. Before I knew it I was throwing things in the truck including my dogs.   I frankly told him He would have to answer to God on judgement day chasing away people who come for help.

I found my self park else where and continue to go in for more help. I was overwhelmed with my emotions by now. I never felt so betray...first my family now my church family. I really felt God had forsaken me. I never felt so lost, confused and frightened. I did not know what was going on.   Why me? Why now? What was God preparing me for that I lost sight of this mission.

Despite the tears, the emotions thankfully the folks in the thrift shop was able to help me with a few things. But I continued to watch the man race around with his golf cart...watching. I just was not going to let him get to me. I was going to let God handle this. I knew judgement day would come and how he would have to answer to God. The way we treat each other is the way we treat God.
After all...God will ask that when He was hungry, when He was homeless, when He needed medical attention, why did you threaten Him and chased Him way?

What if God was one of us?